I keep having really weird dreams as of late-. Back in the day I used to have lucid dreams, but then I quit my job at Microsoft and ever since I can’t control them. My dreams overtake me and I can’t tell what is fact or fiction anymore. These aren’t the run of the mill “this doesn’t make sense” dream, either… They are always super emotional ones that usually make me feel icky or sad. Nightmares, I suppose.
Last night I had a dream that I was talking to my friend Autumn on Skype. She told me that my grandparents sent her kids xmas cards with checks in them. They wrote a note saying “Hey girls, we know how much you meant to LN, but she’s gone and we don’t know when we’ll get to see her again– but you’re still in this country and we would love to start an exchange. Please accept this gift from us. We would love little hand-written notes from you telling us how you are and how your school is going. Love, Grammy and Grandad.”
I woke up (it was 4:somethingAM) with tears streaming down my face and my nose filled with snot. The overall feeling of guilt and grief of the fact that my grandparents (age 90 and 92) aren’t going to be around much longer and that I’m missing out on seeing them. On the fact that they felt like they had to/wanted to reach out to (no offense, Autumn) strangers because they can’t reach out/contact me. On the fact that all they want is hand-written letters.
Checking my email at that point also didn’t help at all. But that’s a different story.
I have woken up bawling twice since my travels. Both times I learned something just recently and my dream put that lesson to the test. The first time was in Nicaragua when I had that dream of “the sword of truth”. It’s definitely a hippy/spiritual-growth story, so if I didn’t write about here don’t get offended.
Last night I went to a crossfit gym and met this suuuper interesting person named Diego. Beautiful human being, fellow traveler, born/raised in Uruguay, a writer– the whole 9. While giving me a lift back home after class we had this conversation:
“What makes you feel better when you’re sad?”
“Grilled cheese, tomato soup, my big down comforter and my cat. All of which I can’t find here.”
“So- let me give you some advice. When you’re sad– be sad. Be the saddest you can be. Give yourself a time limit and try to see how utterly miserable you can get. Be sad. Be depressed. But don’t, how you say, half-ass it. Because that’ll just make the feeling stick around. We, humans, are supposed to go up and down. We are supposed to have moods. The more you emphasize/focus on those moods, the more you will feel better later. The more you will realize what you are actually sad about. The more you will realize that you can be happy and everything is ok.”
(I’m paraphrasing a little.)
Anyway— so I dreamt last night. I woke up and was sad. Really sad. Instantly (after achieving consciousness) I thought of this conversation. Thought “I need to just be sad! I need to ride this emotion out like the nauseous feeling of a really hard workout. I need to stay sad!
Did I? No. I’m in a hostel with a bunch of dorm beds and sleeping people all around me. HOWEVER! I do have some extra time today and access to one of the most beautiful parks in all of Costa Rica which I plan on spending a lot of time in today. I’ll probably unlock my achievement of “becoming a crazy random foreigner crying by herself in a park” today.
Something to look forward to!