Guatemala (zombie survival)

GUATEMALA: 41/70

Guatemala is a country in Central America with a bigger population of a few million, but mostly because of Guatemala City (which has most of the population in it.) The rest of Guatemala is “suburb” type of city where there is a lot of agriculture, farm, dirt roads, and Maya ruins.

LOCATION:  7/10

I was near the city of Flores, which is a mystical part of the country, but definitely lower populated. The elevation wasn’t overly high or low, but the temperatures were pretty moderate. Even though it was the wet season, it was fairly dry this year.

WATER: 2/10

The water supplies were awful where I was. Our drinkable water was delivered. Apparently, a lot of farmers pour chemicals on their crops and the run-off gets into the water supply, which pollutes the spring. However, it does rain a lot during the wet-season, so rain-water could be an option for at least 5 months out of the year.

LODGING:  8/10

A lot of people build a fortress/compounds and have their whole garden in their “yard”. Banana trees, goats, pigs, chickens, herbs, tomatos, onions are all cultivated in yards already. Also, some houses are fortified with cinder-bliock or stone with the house part on the inside.

FOOD: 6/10

See above in yard and water supply. A lot of things grow, but if you are the type that NEEDS TWINKIES! Guatemala may not be the place for you.

SUPPLIES: 7/10

We went to the market several times and it always seemed stock full of anything/everything that you could possibly ever need to survive. There are a few things that are difficult to find in Central America (in general) like quick-dry items (or an REI/camping type store). But everything to set up base somewhere and live for a while can be found with ease.

Oh! Also worth mentioning is that all banks have their own security guards with guns. So finding one won’t be an issue, but finding ammo may be.

NON-DEAD DANGERS: 6/10

In the place I was (not a farm- but a little neighborhood), the only dangers we faced  (in the “compound”) were scorpions, fer de lances, bed bugs, and tarantulas. There were very few fire-ants. The rest of Guatemala, however, is on a fault line and has had earthquakes in the past (which could be terrible, seeing that the construction of buildings isn’t really set to any standard that I know of.)

LOCALS/CULTURE: 5/10

Besides the food (which is tasty and simple!) Mayan culture is also abundant and pretty awesome to dive into. I didn’t hear any music during my time there, but I did see a movie (Twilight) in Spanish—which was just as terrible as the English version.

I shall note that if you don’t speak spanish, you will have a difficult time getting around. People are friendly enough- but I’m assuming that all that politeness will go out the window once they are zombies.

Also note: If you hear someone moan “sesos”– run. rapido.

Bugs and bites

So let’s talk about bug bites, shall we?

When you’re outside in grassy areas, you may get the occasional mosquito bite. Hell, you may even get “eaten alive” by mosquitos and- sometimes- even spiders.

In Central America bug bites are a way of life. The Eskimos have something like 42 words for snow… The locals (currently in Guatemala) have 20+ kinds of bug bite symptoms and all sorts of words for them:

“the one that oozes pus”

“the white mound with a blood dot.”

“the scabby blood one”

“the pus one- but it coagulates”

“the poison-rash”

“the venomous bite”

“slightly blue or green”

“pale to pink when you touch it.”

“suuuuper itchy and the bumps are in unspeakable places.”

“red and strong swelling”

“puffy, oozy and smelly”

“red and puffy, but not itchy”

“red and white and really itchy”

“it feels like a needle is caught in your blood and it’s trying to get out” (this is actually a parasite that IS in your blood/skin and trying to get out.)

Some phrases that have been uttered lately:

“I want to cut my ___ off and respawn another.”

“I would rather have 100 tick bites that this.”

“if a tarantula bit me right now, he would die from ingesting poison/venom from all these oozy ones.”

“is it true that if you sunburn on top of bites they feel better?” (yes)

“pica! Pica! Pica!!!!”

Guatemala

Guatemala has been an experience. Here are some things I have learned:

1) People here are dirt-poor. But happy. The only thing I miss is decent water pressure. I used to miss hot showers, but I don’t even miss that as much anymore.
2) I have seen 2 scenes of shootings. (Drug-cartel people got shot in their taxi). The blood coming from the scene was a little unreal.
3) Kids are not spoiled here. They are quite happy playing with bits of string or rocks or twigs or candy wrappers they find. I don’t know why they don’t go to school right now—no one has been able to explain that to me.
4) My Spanish has improved! (“Ayudar! Estoy Peridido! Donde esta Pollolandia en Flores?”)
5) “Pollolandia” is probably some of the best fried chicken I’ve ever had in my life. Not really sure if they have EVER changed out their oil, but I don’t care. The skin isn’t breaded, but more crispy than perfectly cooked bacon. The meat itself is so tender and moist and flavorful that it almost tastes like chicken-flavored butter that just melts in your mouth. Pollolandia is a great reason (alone) to come to Guatemala.
6) Another reason is that you can get any prescription drug here over the counter. You just need to know what to ask for (in espanol). Viagra? Oxytocin? Steroids? All no problem. Benedryl, on the other hand, is harder to find.

Oh! Speaking of my Spanish improving, here’s a great story:
I was sent on a quest for beer and other groceries. Armed with a bike and a bookbag, I set out towards the little shop that I knew of. I get there with my list of groceries (flour, oil, butter, beer.) I got all the stuff but the beer, which they didn’t sell at that location. So I went towards town searching for beer….

Couldn’t find a single bar/beer-looking place that was open. Finally, I saw a woman on “her stoop” (a concrete slab outside her door) making/selling empanadas. (this is common and they are usually amazing. For 12 USD cents you get a meal. (#bargain). So I went over to her. I said “Hola! Yo Quiero Kaveza.”
She looked at me weirdly….
So I did what my dad told me to do: Mimic. So I mimed opening a can, drinking it, then acting drunk. She said “oh! Cerveza! (pronounced Ser-bez-ah).”
“SI SI!”
so she got a beer, gave me some empanadas and told me to sit down. We made very (muy) small talk. I asked her “Yo Quiero mas Cerveza para me casa.” She asked me how many more… I said “doce?” she said “ocho frio.” I said “si.” And took those. 40Q (5$) later, I walked out with 8 cold beers and rode back home.
Hell yes. 😀
(for the record, Bravha beer is better than Natty Boh, but not by much.)

What was your favorite second language experience?